One more time

When I started this blog, many, many years ago it was to track my weight lost attempt. Those of you who have been reading this blog all know how that went.

We make plans and try to stick to them, but life always happens. My cousin N is getting married this summer. I am one of three maids of honors. This prompted me to try the whole weight lost thing again. Now I have tried everything from Weight Watchers, to Atkins, to the Zone, to having magnets stuck behind my ears to help "balance my body." They all failed. I now know why. 1) I wasn't ready 2) I was doing it alone. I was one of those people who use to think " how hard is it to lose weight?" you would think as a person who has attempted this many times I would know the answer to this.

Every pass weight lost attempt was started for the wrong reason. I was trying to lose weight for other people, instead of for myself. So I would try, see a little result and then quit. Rise and repeat. That's the way it has been for years.

Until recently that is, I have made friends with the most unexpected people. My co-workers, I know you are suppose to be friendly with your co-workers, but here is the thing. I was sure that this group of people did not like me. Funny how things work out. During the last two years we have gotten to know each other, and they have become my core group of friends. No worries besties (aka primos) no one can ever replace you guys.

We are quite a group of misfits, but I know thats why our friendship works. Where one of us is weak the other is strong. We are going to eat clean, meaning no processed foods as well as working out together two times a week. So far we have done really well with the eating, not so much with the working out. We will get there though. Everyone is starting to see results, and I look forward to meeting up with them for breakfast and lunch everyday.

Now I have always been a "big" girl, and I know that my body is naturally curvy, but during these last three years I have gain more weight then I am comfortable with. So that's my goal, to loss the weight I put on recently. So while this might have started out as losing weight for the wedding, it is quickly becoming about a lifestyle change for me and no one else. I want to be comfortable in my skin, and yeah looking good at N's wedding is an added bonus.

This use to be my playground

Ahh Blogging.

I remember when I use to post on here every single day. Sometimes twice in one day. Those were the good ol' days.

Then I discovered Myspace (I know, I know), then Facebook, and now Twitter.

Yes, that is where I am all of the time. On Twitter.

That is the reason why I have not updated my blog. I have been busy tweeting.

Sigh. I'm sorry blogger. I'll try to update you more often, but I can't make you any promises.

Mistakes I've made

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, and I'm sure there are still many more to be made.


One of the mistakes I regret the most was when I stopped blogging. After that I just stopped. I stopped talking, listening, caring, being, I just stopped. I didn't think anyone would want to read, or care about my grief, depression, bitterness. I mean really who wants to read about that? But there is where my mistake lies.


It shouldn't matter who reads it, I needed to talked about it, work through the huge grief I was/ still am going through, just get the thoughts out of my head, no matter how silly they were/are and have them "down on paper".


I was so busy being lost in my pain that I didn't take the time to look up and notice everyone else. Mama and Papa's death affected everyone in my family, not just me and instead of drawing closer to my family, I pulled away. I put myself in this little box were everything was "ok" and shut everything and everyone else out.


The pain of losing my grandparents was/is the worst pain that I have ever felt ,and I never wanted to feel that way again. So in my great wisdom, I decided it was best to stop caring, to stop loving. If I didn't care or love, then when the next person died or left it won't hurt as much right?


I ruined a lot of good relationships during my "not caring" stage. I take full responsibility for that. I cause a lot of damage. Even if that wasn't my intention I still caused damage. Some of the damage I caused is un-fixable, I will have to live with that the rest of my life. Some people no longer trust me or want anything to do with me. I don't blame them, but I will morn the lost of their friendship.

I'm hoping that there are still some people who will accept me back into their lives, even if it takes some time for that to be true. I did this and I need to accept my consequences no matter how much they hurt me.


I'm not back to being the "old me". Not sure I ever will be, but I feel as if a part of me is returning. I have this need to do all of the talking, listening, sharing I refused to do 3 years ago. I fully realize that do to my own doing, there might not be anyone around who is willing to listen. I might look like a crazy person talking to myself but I feel that as long as I don't answer myself I should be ok.

So here we go, I apologize in advance to who ever might come across this blog but there are just something I need to say.

I am whatever you say I am

I know it's been a while, but there are something I need to say.

I think it's time to clear the air. There have been somethings said about me and I think its time to respond.

So here we go:

You said I was fat and bitter, and you are right I am all of those things and even a few more that you didn't think of.

So you called me fat, do you really think that's the first time I have heard that? I mean really? Did you think I didn't know that already? Come on, you can come up with a better insult then that. Guess what, your right I am fat, does it bother me? Sometimes, but then I remember that I'm healthy and if I really wanted to lose the weight I could. At the moment I'm ok with the way I look.

As for the bitter part, your right I am bitter. I'm also depressed, but that is expected after you go through what I went through. I lost two grandparents within a six month period. My family is the most important thing to me, so yes when my grandparents died I took it hard and became depressed. Right after my grandfather passed away, I found out that my father has Alzheimer. Not the easiest of news to hear. Then my grandmother died. After that different family members and friend have passed. So yes, I'm bitter and depressed your right I am. I think I have a right to be. I am working my way through grief. It's taking me longer then I or anyone else thought, but it is what it is. I like everyone else have good days and bad days. There are more good then bad, but yes I will complain and whine when I am having a bad day. If that makes me bitter then so be it, I'm bitter.

So what if I'm anti-social or a hermit. I don't like to go out to clubs, it's just not my scene. To tell you the truth, I rather read a good book, or go to the movies, or go out to eat, or hang out with my friends and family. Does that mean that I can't or won't go out dancing every once in a while no, but I am a homebody at heart.

I do have a small group of friends, your right about that too. I do "know" a lot of people, but there is a very small and select group of people who I consider to be my friends, and to me they are not my friends but my family, and as you know my family is the most important thing to me. So your right I am a "drama queen", and I will always be a "drama queen" when it comes to defending my family. Trust me this is the one area in life were you do not want to mess with me. I will ALWAYS chose my family over you and everyone else. I will fight with everything I have and then some when it comes to them. Do we fight and say shit we don't mean at times? Yeah we do, what family doesn't? The thing you need to know is this, at the end of the day we will always be there for each other no matter what.

I am too nice, again your right. That's just the way I am. Trust me I have tried to be mean, and when it is needed I can be a real bitch. The thing is that it's hard for me to be that way. It's just not in my nature. It's exhausting for me to be that mean. So yes I am too nice. I have always been and most possible will always be that way.

So let's see what do we have hmm a fat, bitter, depressed, nice, drama queen. You know what I'm ok with that. All I can be is just me.

P.S. Something I just realized. I should have never quit blogging. I didn't know just how much I needed this until right now.

Garage Sales and Mami

This summer my aunt introduce my lovely mother to garage sales. At first it was harmless fun. Mami would stop at a garage sale during her Saturday morning errand run. She would pick up one or two things or sometime nothing at all. She would call up my aunts, sister, and other family members and tell them of stuff she found that she thinks they could use/need/want. Pretty soon it became an obsession. Mami was hitting up 3-6 garage sales a day. Still only on Saturday but she spent most of her time garage sale shopping rather then food shopping. Chairs, tables, and artwork among other things started to appear everywhere in our house. When I would ask her about it she would tell me about the deal she got, with such joy that I just couldn't say anything about it to her.

As mami started to disappear for longer and longer hours at garage sale and more and more stuff started to appear at our house I started to get concern. So I talked to my dad about it, who just shrugged and said " What can I do chiquito? You know how your mom is." Thanks Papi.

My sister on the other hand laughed and told me not to worry that mami was just enjoying some retail therapy. So I let it go. That was until Mami asked me to hustle an older couple for a table. I could not believe that my sweet mother was asking me to hustle this old couple for a table. "Mami" I said. " What? People like you. You can talk them down for me." She said. I tried to reason with her but she would not listen, so I finally had to put my foot down. I would not hustle this older couple for her. She asked me nicely, I told her I wouldn't do it. She beg, I still wasn't going to do it. She threaten to call my father, nope still not doing it mami. Then she pulled out the only card she had left. My grandparents. I am a sucker for my grandparents.

In the end mami got her way. Well that's what she thinks at least. I could not do it. I could not hustle this cute little old couple over a table. I payed them the price they were asking for. When I got back home with the prized table mami just assumed that I was able to talk them down. I never corrected her. I did not see a reason why I should. She had her table (which we don't need) and the little old couple got their money (which they do need). So to me it was a win-win. I have never in my life been so excited for winter. It means the end of garage sales for a while, and hopefully by the time summer comes back around I will be able to send mami to garage sale rehab. Now I just have to make sure that I can keep thrift stores a secret.

Y no es de aquí porque su nombre no aparece en los archivos, ni es de allá porque se fue.

Two weekends ago I was able to go see Barack and Michelle Obama speak in Pueblo, Co. Pueblo is a 2 hr drive from Denver. Maga and Lili also wanted to go. So we packed ourselves into my car and we went on our way.

You could feel the excitement in the air. We where excited to see Barack and Michelle speak. We where excited for the then up coming elections. We where excited for the future and the change it held. On our drive down we started looking for cars with Obama stickers who we thought were also going in the same direction as us.

During our drive Lili and I where able to talk to Maga about our family, life, religion, politics and of course immigration among other things. Maga shared just a small amount of details of what it was like for her to come to the United States. She shocked Lili and I when she said " It was hard, but I know that it is hard for you guys also."

Maga understood that we had our own obstacles to over come. We are the first generation born in the United States. We are children of immigrants, children who really don't belong anywhere. Maga and Lili wanted to know what it had been like for me growing up with two cultures. Even though Lili is going through the same things I went through being her older cousin she wanted advice.

So I told her.

I told her that some days she would feel like she doesn't belong anywhere and that no one gets her. I told her that to some people we were always going to be too Latin to be American and too American to be Latin. That people where going to tell her that she spoke with an accent. It didn't matter if she spoke in Spanish or English. She would always speak with this so call accent that she could never notice but everyone else could.

I told her that balancing two cultures was going to be difficult. Some days it would feel impossible but she would be able to do it. That most days she would feel like she is torn in two. Her American side and her Dominican side. That some people would hold the fact that she is a U.S. citizen against her. That some people would hold the fact that she is Dominican against her. That she would encounter idiots who will judge her, but that at the same time she will encounter people who embrace her.

I told her to make peace with the fact that she is not really from here or there. To befriend people who are just like her, juggling two cultures and trying to make sense of it all.

I told her that we are lucky. We are lucky because we get to experience the best of both worlds, and to ignore the worst. We are lucky because we speak two languages.We get to experience two cultures. That we can eat mangu and salami for breakfast and McDonalds for dinner and not blink a eye. That we can dance to merengue and switch it hip-hop without missing a beat. That we can speak in Spanglish if we wanted to. That we are now a part of the majority. That we have advantages that our parents and grandparents never had. That most people wish that they where as lucky as we are. That some people die trying to get what we have.That the feeling of being inadequate and not belonging will fade with time. To use her two cultures to her advantage.

Three days later Barack Obama a black man, the son of an immigrant became president.

Benched

Two weeks after I started my new job, I got injured on the job. Great, so not only am I the new chick, but know I am the new chick who got hurt.

To tell you the truth I didn't even know I was hurt until I tried to put weight on my left leg. The first thing that ran through my minds was " hmm, that's a funny feeling". The sad thing is I didn't get hurt doing anything cool or dangerous. So I don't have an amazing story to tell you about my injury. I was simply unjamming the copier.

I pulled a tendon in my left knee. I was on crutches up until last week. I had to go to physical therapy and everything. Being on crutches sucked. I had never been on them before and let me tell you they suck. Physical therapy was o.k. I finished that last week as well. My doctor released me back to my regular work duty but I still have a hard time going downstairs but I can go up them. There are a few other things that I still can't do like dance, squat, kneel, but the doc says it will be a few months until I am completely healed. There are some other things that I can do but he rather I don't in case I re-injure myself. So I have been taking it easy.

One thing about getting injured is that I saw a new side to people and most of all myself. It has been something. The people I thought would be there to help me and take care of me weren't always there. The people I least expected to care where the first ones to offer to help. Amazing how that works out huh?

Anyways, I have to remind myself daily to take it easy. I can no longer go a million miles a minute like I use too. An other thing being injured has done is made me slow down. Which is something that I am not use too. If I try to over due it, I pay for it dearly that night or else the next day. I am getting better at taking things slowly then I was before. One day at a time, until I heal completely after that I can't promise that I won't go back to the old days of running a million miles a minute after all I am from New York.

Everyone knows I'm in over my head

Hi there, how's it going? I know it has been a while since I have posted. I am sorry about that but I just haven't had the time to be honest. My new job takes up ALL of my time. I do like my new job, but there are days when I feel overwhelmed, and then I start to wonder what did I get myself into. I still miss my old job and the people that I use to work with, but I have made new friends at my job and I am getting to know some of the families at the new place. Hmm maybe I should stop calling it the new place?

Anyways, for those of you out there in the blogger world who have Blackberry's I have to share something that my cousin recently discovered. I love using Blackberry Messanger. Recently my cousin Karina discovered that you can invite more then one person to a conversation on messanger. Which means that you end up having your own little chat room. Which really comes in handy when you have to tell a few people the same information. We have been using it like crazy and I for one can tell you that I love it.

Hmmm what else ooo yeah the boy, things did not go well there. He is some one that I have known for a while now but due to this reason or the other we never got together. Recently we where both single at the same time and I thought what the heck lets give it a try. Well lets just say that things went down hill fast after that. So that means that I am still taking applications...lol.

As you can see I been busy making some changes to this little blog. So what do you think? I am trying to recreat my blog roll so if I missed your blog please forgive me and then let me know so I can add you.

Hmm, I have other things that I want to share but I will have to post that in a may i recommend post. Oh and we need a new Papi Chulo list right?