Tanta Lagrima, Tanta Lagrima, y Yo Soy Un Vaso Vacio

It has been two whole weeks now.

Two weeks.

Mama is gone.

Really gone.

Some days are better then others. I take them as they come a day at a time.

I can't believe that I lost two grandparents in six months.

I can't wrap my brain around that concept yet.

Something that not too many people know about me is that I use music to cope. Actually I need music. It is like breathing to me. So when Mama was sick, I use to sit with my iPod and just listen to music for hours. It was the only way that I could understand everything that was going on.

I could tell when things were bad by whether or not I was clinging to my iPod. If I had it on at all times it meant things were bad. If I just needed it for a few minutes I know that things would be ok.

When Mama became really sick I use to listen to the song Roses by Kanye West off his Late Registration cd all the time. The lyric really apply to my family and everything that we were going through at that time.




I know it's past visiting hours
But can I please give her these flowers?
The doctor don't wanna take procedures
He claimed her heart can't take the anesthesia
It'll send her body into a seizure
The little thing by the hospital bed, it'll stop beeping,
Hey chick, I'm at a loss for words
What do you say at this time?
Remember when I was nine?
Tell her everything gone be fine?
But I'd be lying, the family crying
They want her to live, and she trying

I'm arguing like what kind of doctor can we fly in
You know the best medicine go to people thats paid,
If Magic Johnson got a cure for AIDS
And all the broke muthafuckers past away
You telling me if my grandma's in the N.B.A.
Right now she'd be ok?
But since she was just a secretary
Working for the church
For thirty five years
Things sposed to stop right here
My grandfather tryin to pull it together, he strong,
Thats where I get my confidence from
I asked the nurse "did you do the research?"
She ask me, "can you sign some t-shirts?"
Bitch Is you smokin reefer?
You dont see that we hurt
But still...

(Chorus)

...I smile
The roses come to see me
And I can't wait for a sunny day
(Im seeing it through your eyes)
Can't wait for the clouds to break

(Verse 2)

Outside of the emergency room, room
You can feel my heart beat, beat, beat
If she gone pull through
we going find out soon
but right now she asleep, sleep, sleep
My mama say, they say she could pass away any day
Hey chick what these doctors know anyway?
Let me see the X-rays
I ain't no expert, I'm just hurt
Cousin Kim took off for work
Plus my Aunt Shirley, Aunt Beverly, Aunt Klaye and Aunt Jean
So many Aunties, we could have an Auntie team
Feel like Amerie "Its this one thing"
When they said that she made it
You see the eyes gleam
I think we at an all time high
To get there we run, we fly, we drive
Cuz with my family we know where home is
So instead of sendin flowers
We the roses...

(Chorus)

I smile
The roses come to see me
And I can't wait for a sunny day
(Im seeing it through your eyes)
Can't wait for the clouds to break

Who brings the sunshine?

Ohhhhh I smile
The roses come to see me
And I can't wait for a sunny day
(Im seeing it through your eyes)
Can't wait for the clouds to break





Papa came to me in a dream a few months before Mama passed away. When I woke up I knew that Mama was going to leave us soon. I knew Papa had come back for her. I told my mom who called my aunt when she thought I was not home and told her about my dream. I remember her telling my aunt that mama was saying goodbye to everyone. That she had visited a few of my cousins before me. Some where deep down I knew what my mother was saying was true, yet I refuse to accept it. We had been here so many times before. Mama was always dying and just like that one from one day to the other she would pull through. Back then I thought what makes this time different from all the others?

I remember the last conversation I had with her. I asked her how she was and she said "alive". When I told her that was a good thing, she told me in true mama fashion " I guess". When I said " Mama don't say that" she laughed. I miss that laugh.

I miss her.

I miss papa.

I was driving to work when Nataly called to tell me mama had passed. The first thing I did was call my dad. I asked him over and over again "Is it true? Papi is it true?"
He did not know. I was the first person to call him with the news. I remember racing back home and looking for a flight so my mom could go and be there in time to bury her mother.

The next few days are a blur. I was unable to cry for a really long time. I cried a little bit when I was on the phone with Gabe, but I was unable to really cry. I was trying to hold it together for my mother. My poor mami she lost both her parents in a six month time period. My mami is a strong women. While she was here she did not cry, she just said that she was glad that both mama and papa where together and no longer suffering. I agree with her, but it is still hard.I was finally able to cry while I was on the phone with Caro.


I am cling to my iPod again. I listen to the same songs over and over. I like to think that they are helping me with the healing process.

I did not get a chance to say goodbye to Mama like I did with Papa. I could not go to D.R. to bury her. I wish I could have more then anything.

So as a way of saying goodbye to mama, I leave you with a song.