This post is going to be a total mess, so please bare with me.
I recently turned twenty seven. The birthday celebrations where good, but I keep going back to something I heard a comedian say a while ago he said that men should only date women under 25. That once a women turns 25 something clicks and all the sudden she is all about getting married and having children. I at the time like everyone else who heard it laughed, but now I find myself thinking about getting married and having kids more, but not just because everyone around me is getting married and having kids. Although I am sure that might have something to do with it.
The last few years have been hard for me and my family and I go through phases of being ok and then not being ok. Which everyone tells me is "normal" but here is where I stand at the moment.
The other day while taking a shower I had this thought that I need to hurry up and get married and have kids because I only have one set of grandparents left and I really want them to be there at my wedding and I want my kids and future husband to meet them. With all that has been going on I have realized how truly blessed I am. I have a great (crazy but great) family. I have amazing friends, a great boss, a job I like and I want someone to share that with.
I want someone to meet my Tio Teo and Tio Geno and see where I get my love of music from. I want someone to meet my mom, aunts, grandmother and Tio Alfredo and see where I get my love of food and cooking from. I want them to meet my older sister and see where I get my love of books and reading from. I want them to meet my father and see where I get my love for people especially children from. I want them to meet my middle sister and see where I get my need to be alone from. I want them to meet Caro, Gabe, Joe, Nat, Kari, Mady, etc and not only see but also meet some of the most important people in my life. I know that is a long list of people to meet but what can I say, I have a large family, which use to drive me crazy to tell you the truth but as I have grown I have learned to love them. So many people, so many personalities and in the end they make me who I am, and I am at the point in life where I want to share them with someone.
Not only because I think they are amazing, but because they truly are amazing, and I want my future husband and children to meet them before its too late. They are already going to miss meeting my maternal grandparents, who where some pretty amazing people. I know that we can share picture and stories but its not the same. You would have had to have met my grandfather to understand his love of jokes, which you can see a little of in my sense of humor, and mama who was quiet and strict but loved her garden, dancing and most of all her family. She also had a wicked sense of humor. I got some of those qualities as well especially the love of family.
When I share this with people they tell me that I shouldn't be in such a hurry that I am still young and that it will happen soon. At that point a part of me agrees with them and there is a part of me that screams that I am not that young and when will this all happen.
I don't want to waste anymore time. If what has happened in the last couple of years has taught me anything is that I don't know how much time I have left with the people who are the most important to me. Papa died with in ten days after we where told he had about 3 months. Mama died six months after that and after mama passed it just seems like we can't go more then three months without someone else in the family or a family friend (who is like family) passing away.
When I was younger I use to think that my grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles will live forever. I now know that is not true. I didn't count on an illness that would slowly steal my father away from me, or losing two grandparents in a year. I didn't count on my brother-in-law getting sick and his need for a transplant and my sister being a perfect match and donating her kidney to him. The day of their operation was one of the hardest day of my life, being so far away and knowing that I couldn't be there.
All that life throws at you, all that we have been through and still have to go through. For example right now I can see that one of my cousin's who I love more then anything, is going through something. She is in pain and there is nothing I can do. "You cant save everyone Karla, no matter how hard you try" is what my friend said to me recently when I was explaining the situation to her. " You cant save everyone". That was so hard to hear.I come from a family where we "save" each other all the time. There are so many of us that there is always someone that you can call who will help you out. So it was so hard for me to hear that I couldn't save her. I know I cant save everyone and I don't want to save everyone but I want to save her, I want her to know that she is not alone that she is worth saving, that there are people who love her. I know she has to go through most of this alone but I want her to know that there are people there who not only love her but want to help her. I know that a part of her knows this already it just that the whole situation is so frustrating.
Sometimes I wish that life came with a remote control where you could rewind and fast forward. I don't usually regret things (something I also got from my grandparents) I was taught to be thankful for what you go through because in the end it makes you a better person, and I truly believe that but there are a few moments where I wish I could rewind, redo and sometimes fast forward. I want to see if I, if we come out alright on the other side.