Sunday, November 01, 2009

Mistakes I've made

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, and I'm sure there are still many more to be made.

One of the mistakes I regret the most was when I stopped blogging. After that I just stopped. I stopped talking, listening, caring, being, I just stopped. I didn't think anyone would want to read, or care about my grief, depression, bitterness. I mean really who wants to read about that? But there is where my mistake lies.

It shouldn't matter who reads it, I needed to talked about it, work through the huge grief I was/ still am going through, just get the thoughts out of my head, no matter how silly they were/are and have them "down on paper".

I was so busy being lost in my pain that I didn't take the time to look up and notice everyone else. Mama and Papa's death affected everyone in my family, not just me and instead of drawing closer to my family, I pulled away. I put myself in this little box were everything was "ok" and shut everything and everyone else out.

The pain of losing my grandparents was/is the worst pain that I have ever felt ,and I never wanted to feel that way again. So in my great wisdom, I decided it was best to stop caring, to stop loving. If I didn't care or love, then when the next person died or left it won't hurt as much right?

I ruined a lot of good relationships during my "not caring" stage. I take full responsibility for that. I cause a lot of damage. Even if that wasn't my intention I still caused damage. Some of the damage I caused is un-fixable, I will have to live with that the rest of my life. Some people no longer trust me or want anything to do with me. I don't blame them, but I will morn the lost of their friendship.

I'm hoping that there are still some people who will accept me back into their lives, even if it takes some time for that to be true. I did this and I need to accept my consequences no matter how much they hurt me.

I'm not back to being the "old me". Not sure I ever will be, but I feel as if a part of me is returning. I have this need to do all of the talking, listening, sharing I refused to do 3 years ago. I fully realize that do to my own doing, there might not be anyone around who is willing to listen. I might look like a crazy person talking to myself but I feel that as long as I don't answer myself I should be ok.

So here we go, I apologize in advance to who ever might come across this blog but there are just something I need to say.

I am whatever you say I am

I know it's been a while, but there are something I need to say.

I think it's time to clear the air. There have been somethings said about me and I think its time to respond.

So here we go:

You said I was fat and bitter, and you are right I am all of those things and even a few more that you didn't think of.

So you called me fat, do you really think that's the first time I have heard that? I mean really? Did you think I didn't know that already? Come on, you can come up with a better insult then that. Guess what, your right I am fat, does it bother me? Sometimes, but then I remember that I'm healthy and if I really wanted to lose the weight I could. At the moment I'm ok with the way I look.

As for the bitter part, your right I am bitter. I'm also depressed, but that is expected after you go through what I went through. I lost two grandparents within a six month period. My family is the most important thing to me, so yes when my grandparents died I took it hard and became depressed. Right after my grandfather passed away, I found out that my father has Alzheimer. Not the easiest of news to hear. Then my grandmother died. After that different family members and friend have passed. So yes, I'm bitter and depressed your right I am. I think I have a right to be. I am working my way through grief. It's taking me longer then I or anyone else thought, but it is what it is. I like everyone else have good days and bad days. There are more good then bad, but yes I will complain and whine when I am having a bad day. If that makes me bitter then so be it, I'm bitter.

So what if I'm anti-social or a hermit. I don't like to go out to clubs, it's just not my scene. To tell you the truth, I rather read a good book, or go to the movies, or go out to eat, or hang out with my friends and family. Does that mean that I can't or won't go out dancing every once in a while no, but I am a homebody at heart.

I do have a small group of friends, your right about that too. I do "know" a lot of people, but there is a very small and select group of people who I consider to be my friends, and to me they are not my friends but my family, and as you know my family is the most important thing to me. So your right I am a "drama queen", and I will always be a "drama queen" when it comes to defending my family. Trust me this is the one area in life were you do not want to mess with me. I will ALWAYS chose my family over you and everyone else. I will fight with everything I have and then some when it comes to them. Do we fight and say shit we don't mean at times? Yeah we do, what family doesn't? The thing you need to know is this, at the end of the day we will always be there for each other no matter what.

I am too nice, again your right. That's just the way I am. Trust me I have tried to be mean, and when it is needed I can be a real bitch. The thing is that it's hard for me to be that way. It's just not in my nature. It's exhausting for me to be that mean. So yes I am too nice. I have always been and most possible will always be that way.

So let's see what do we have hmm a fat, bitter, depressed, nice, drama queen. You know what I'm ok with that. All I can be is just me.

P.S. Something I just realized. I should have never quit blogging. I didn't know just how much I needed this until right now.