Sunday, November 01, 2009

Mistakes I've made

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, and I'm sure there are still many more to be made.

One of the mistakes I regret the most was when I stopped blogging. After that I just stopped. I stopped talking, listening, caring, being, I just stopped. I didn't think anyone would want to read, or care about my grief, depression, bitterness. I mean really who wants to read about that? But there is where my mistake lies.

It shouldn't matter who reads it, I needed to talked about it, work through the huge grief I was/ still am going through, just get the thoughts out of my head, no matter how silly they were/are and have them "down on paper".

I was so busy being lost in my pain that I didn't take the time to look up and notice everyone else. Mama and Papa's death affected everyone in my family, not just me and instead of drawing closer to my family, I pulled away. I put myself in this little box were everything was "ok" and shut everything and everyone else out.

The pain of losing my grandparents was/is the worst pain that I have ever felt ,and I never wanted to feel that way again. So in my great wisdom, I decided it was best to stop caring, to stop loving. If I didn't care or love, then when the next person died or left it won't hurt as much right?

I ruined a lot of good relationships during my "not caring" stage. I take full responsibility for that. I cause a lot of damage. Even if that wasn't my intention I still caused damage. Some of the damage I caused is un-fixable, I will have to live with that the rest of my life. Some people no longer trust me or want anything to do with me. I don't blame them, but I will morn the lost of their friendship.

I'm hoping that there are still some people who will accept me back into their lives, even if it takes some time for that to be true. I did this and I need to accept my consequences no matter how much they hurt me.

I'm not back to being the "old me". Not sure I ever will be, but I feel as if a part of me is returning. I have this need to do all of the talking, listening, sharing I refused to do 3 years ago. I fully realize that do to my own doing, there might not be anyone around who is willing to listen. I might look like a crazy person talking to myself but I feel that as long as I don't answer myself I should be ok.

So here we go, I apologize in advance to who ever might come across this blog but there are just something I need to say.


Lauren J. Rivera said...

I am with you sister! 100%!

Caro said...

You know I still (and will always) love you.

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