I want to apologize for the sad and depressing tone this blog has taken. I also want to thank everyone for putting up with my sad/depressing state while I worked my way through it.
Some where along the way in between the fight with whats his name and my grandfather passing I seem to have lost and found myself all at the same time. It's been an interesting journey. That's for sure.
Before my grandfather passed I posted on here that I was making changes in my life. I had been working on some of those prior to my grandfathers passing. There were a few that I was not ready to make. That all changed when my world came crashing down on me.
I don't like to admit this, but the fight with whats his name affected me in more ways then I like to admit too. I never thought that someone that I loved, who was so close to me would betray me in that way. It hurt. It hurt really bad. It shook me to my core. I still had not found my footing when my grandfather died. That sent me over the edge. I checked out for a while there. I went through the motions but I was not living life.
When we got back home from the funeral, I found that I was no longer able to sleep. I would sleep for three hours most night if I was lucky. I spent the rest of the time lying in bed looking at the walls in my room. Thinking of everything and nothing all at once. I thought a lot during that time. I re-evaluated my life. During those nights I went through emotions that I was not aware of having. I cried a lot. I thought I was going crazy. I wonder what was wrong with me.
Still I did nothing about it. I kept going through the motions afraid to feel. If I allowed myself to feel it would mean that it was real. I did not want it to be real. So I kept going pretending it had not happened. Denial can be such a blessing sometimes.
The thing that I did not want to realize is that you can only run away for so long. Sooner or later it catches up with you. It took a while but I was finally able to admit the truth. My grandfather had died, I was no longer talking to my cousin and because of that most of my family hates me, i found out who my true friends are, my father is sick and this illness will kill him, my brother-in-law is seriously ill.
There it was staring back at me, the truth, my truth. It was there and there was nothing else I could do about it. I decide in that moment that I was done running. I have been running away all my life.
The first thing I did was cry some more. I let it all out. All the hurt, anger, fear, hate, and betrayal. All the emotions I was feeling. I cried until I could no longer cry. Afterwards I felt better. My mind was clear, I was at peace. I then forgave myself as well as those involved in either situation. I know I posted those cards on here saying I was never going to forgive, but I had to. Not for that person but for myself. As long as I was angry, that person had power over me. By forgiving them, I took the power back.
I then started to make the changes that I had been avoiding. People tell me that I look tired all the time. Changing is not easy. So yes I am going to look tired for a while.
It was not until I checked back in and started living life again that I realized that I had even checked out in the first place. It was in that moment that I realized that I had lost myself. I no longer knew the person staring back at me in the mirror. Whoever that person was, I did not like them. That person was bitter, depressed, stuck, and over all afraid.
After all of this I still could not sleep. I spent my nights thinking. I thought of the bitter person in the mirror. What led me here? How did I become so bitter? What happened to me? I thought and thought. I thought until I was able to answer my own questions. I did not have to ask anyone. I already knew the answers.
I also knew that the real me was still in there somewhere.
During all of this time, one image kept playing in my head over and over. There was little Karla playing hide and seek with her cousins hiding en la enramada where her grandfather and uncles were playing dominoes. Someone ask my grandfather what he did to end up with so many beautiful granddaughters. My grandfather laughs and says " Bella si son, pero esa son candela pura." "Beautiful they are, but those girls are pure fire." Those words have stayed with me all of my life. Us Torres girls are famous for having that "fire". The word on the block is you don't want to mess with us. I had almost let my fire die out. I had almost let life take the fire out of me.
The fire is back. It's not what it use to be, but close.
Baby steps Karla, Baby steps.
The person I use to be, and the person I was meant to be are emerging. I have a better understanding of what I am suppose to do, of who I am.
I can finally sleep at night.
