Tanta Lagrima, Tanta Lagrima, y Yo Soy Un Vaso Vacio

It has been two whole weeks now.

Two weeks.

Mama is gone.

Really gone.

Some days are better then others. I take them as they come a day at a time.

I can't believe that I lost two grandparents in six months.

I can't wrap my brain around that concept yet.

Something that not too many people know about me is that I use music to cope. Actually I need music. It is like breathing to me. So when Mama was sick, I use to sit with my iPod and just listen to music for hours. It was the only way that I could understand everything that was going on.

I could tell when things were bad by whether or not I was clinging to my iPod. If I had it on at all times it meant things were bad. If I just needed it for a few minutes I know that things would be ok.

When Mama became really sick I use to listen to the song Roses by Kanye West off his Late Registration cd all the time. The lyric really apply to my family and everything that we were going through at that time.




I know it's past visiting hours
But can I please give her these flowers?
The doctor don't wanna take procedures
He claimed her heart can't take the anesthesia
It'll send her body into a seizure
The little thing by the hospital bed, it'll stop beeping,
Hey chick, I'm at a loss for words
What do you say at this time?
Remember when I was nine?
Tell her everything gone be fine?
But I'd be lying, the family crying
They want her to live, and she trying

I'm arguing like what kind of doctor can we fly in
You know the best medicine go to people thats paid,
If Magic Johnson got a cure for AIDS
And all the broke muthafuckers past away
You telling me if my grandma's in the N.B.A.
Right now she'd be ok?
But since she was just a secretary
Working for the church
For thirty five years
Things sposed to stop right here
My grandfather tryin to pull it together, he strong,
Thats where I get my confidence from
I asked the nurse "did you do the research?"
She ask me, "can you sign some t-shirts?"
Bitch Is you smokin reefer?
You dont see that we hurt
But still...

(Chorus)

...I smile
The roses come to see me
And I can't wait for a sunny day
(Im seeing it through your eyes)
Can't wait for the clouds to break

(Verse 2)

Outside of the emergency room, room
You can feel my heart beat, beat, beat
If she gone pull through
we going find out soon
but right now she asleep, sleep, sleep
My mama say, they say she could pass away any day
Hey chick what these doctors know anyway?
Let me see the X-rays
I ain't no expert, I'm just hurt
Cousin Kim took off for work
Plus my Aunt Shirley, Aunt Beverly, Aunt Klaye and Aunt Jean
So many Aunties, we could have an Auntie team
Feel like Amerie "Its this one thing"
When they said that she made it
You see the eyes gleam
I think we at an all time high
To get there we run, we fly, we drive
Cuz with my family we know where home is
So instead of sendin flowers
We the roses...

(Chorus)

I smile
The roses come to see me
And I can't wait for a sunny day
(Im seeing it through your eyes)
Can't wait for the clouds to break

Who brings the sunshine?

Ohhhhh I smile
The roses come to see me
And I can't wait for a sunny day
(Im seeing it through your eyes)
Can't wait for the clouds to break





Papa came to me in a dream a few months before Mama passed away. When I woke up I knew that Mama was going to leave us soon. I knew Papa had come back for her. I told my mom who called my aunt when she thought I was not home and told her about my dream. I remember her telling my aunt that mama was saying goodbye to everyone. That she had visited a few of my cousins before me. Some where deep down I knew what my mother was saying was true, yet I refuse to accept it. We had been here so many times before. Mama was always dying and just like that one from one day to the other she would pull through. Back then I thought what makes this time different from all the others?

I remember the last conversation I had with her. I asked her how she was and she said "alive". When I told her that was a good thing, she told me in true mama fashion " I guess". When I said " Mama don't say that" she laughed. I miss that laugh.

I miss her.

I miss papa.

I was driving to work when Nataly called to tell me mama had passed. The first thing I did was call my dad. I asked him over and over again "Is it true? Papi is it true?"
He did not know. I was the first person to call him with the news. I remember racing back home and looking for a flight so my mom could go and be there in time to bury her mother.

The next few days are a blur. I was unable to cry for a really long time. I cried a little bit when I was on the phone with Gabe, but I was unable to really cry. I was trying to hold it together for my mother. My poor mami she lost both her parents in a six month time period. My mami is a strong women. While she was here she did not cry, she just said that she was glad that both mama and papa where together and no longer suffering. I agree with her, but it is still hard.I was finally able to cry while I was on the phone with Caro.


I am cling to my iPod again. I listen to the same songs over and over. I like to think that they are helping me with the healing process.

I did not get a chance to say goodbye to Mama like I did with Papa. I could not go to D.R. to bury her. I wish I could have more then anything.

So as a way of saying goodbye to mama, I leave you with a song.

Say Goodbye Not Knowing How

It lays at the bottom of a jewelry box. On top of the green handwriting that says Aug'06 Love, Caro. It's long, black and open from many years of use.

It's a bobby pin.

Mama's bobby pin.

It's the greatest gift anyone has ever given me.

Caro gave it to me this summer. She brought it back with her from D.R.

When she handed me a ball of newspaper and said with a smile on her face "open it" I knew that this was something I was going to love.

After ripping apart the newspaper a smile spread across my face at the sight of the bold and beautiful colors of the jewelry box.

"I bought it in Santiago." She told me. I loved it and wanted to thank her when she stopped me and said "open it." "There is more?" I said.

Caro just smiled at me and said laughing "It's not a lot but it is what I could steal."

I opened the jewelry box's careful not sure of what I was going to find, and there it was a long, black, worn out bobby pin the minute I saw it I knew what it was.

"It's mama's" Caro said. All I could do was nod as I fought back the tears. Some how I whispered out a thank you.

I know to many people a bobby pin is just a bobby pin, but to me it is so much more. Mama always wore her hair up in a bun. One night after Papa passed away Caro was helping her take her hair down, that was when she stole the bobby pin that would later find it's way into the beautiful jewelry box that Caro gave me.

I wish I could tell you how much I love that bobby pin. It is something that I treasure so much.

The jewelry box sits on top of my dresser and to this day it holds only one thing Mama's bobby pin.

For the first few months after papa passed away, I spent hours in my room holding that bobby pin hoping that by holding it, some of Mama strength would rub off on me.
Seven months later, I find myself back in my room holding that bobby pin. The realization that it along with my memories and a few pictures are all that I have left of Mama.

As the tears fall from my eyes, I hold on tight to that bobby pin it is my way of saying goodbye and yet at the same time I know that it is my way of keeping Mama's memory alive. Although she will live forever in my memories and most of all my heart, I can't help but feel that by holding on to this bobby pin, by being able to show it to other people it proves that Mama existed. That she lived a wonderful and full life, that she had a family who adored and most of all loved her. That she has a family who will keep her memory alive.

Even thought I know Mama is in a better place, that her suffering has ended and she is now in heaven with Papa, I find it hard to let go. Seven months later and I find myself in the same situation that I was in seven months ago. Sitting in my room holding on to Mama's bobby pin with tears in my eyes hoping that by holding on to it some of mama strength will rub off on me.

Top Ten Reasons Why I Love Caro

(It was hard picking only ten but here we go.)

10. Her wicked sense of humor.

9. Our trips to VI.

8. Her amazing talent as a writer.

7. Her love of documenting everything we do with pictures.

6. How she is so passionate about everything.

5. Her love of dance.

4. The fact that she is going to be Margarita the party starter in 30 yrs.

3. Parking lot conversations.

2. The fact that today is her birthday.

1. The fact that she is the best friend/cousin any one could ask for.

Happy Birthday Caro!

Tears in Heaven

After years of fighting this illness, my grandmother decided she was done. She passed away today. I am sorry that this is so short but I am in a hurry. Thank You for your thoughts, prayers and kind words.

May I Recommend: Music Edition

I noticed that it has been a while since I have posted one of these so here a few of my favorite music.

I know it is an old cd now but it is still a good one. If you have been on the fence about this one, i suggest that you pick it up. There is more to this cd then Sexyback. Yeah I know it's a good song but there are a lot of really good songs on this cd. Lovestoned, My Love, What Goes Around, Chop Me Up. Are all really good. You can listen to this cd all day.




Yet an other old but good cd. Just like Mr. JT's cd, there are a bunch of great songs on this cd other then Aint No Other Man.Hurt, Candyman, Still Dirrty, Here To Stay are all great songs.




Now this is an old cd. It came out in 2005 but it is good. I discovered Ha*Ash while watching the novelas with my mami. I love this cd. Si Tu Quieres Ser, Ya No, Amor A Medias, No Te Puedo Enamorar. Are all good songs but my favorite is Que Hago Yo?.



All of the artist listed above are good but my favorite are these guys:





This is my FAVORITE cd at the moment. I listen to it all the time. Don't let the cover art fool you. This is an amazing cd. Tamacu is the first song from this duo that I heard and I fell in love with it. Diablo Rojo is also a very good song. The whole cd is good. It is a great cd to have on when you want to chill. I had it on during a dinner party and everyone loved it. Favorite song off of this cd is Ppa. It is just amazing.

That is what I am listening to right now. If you guys check any of these out let me know what you think.