It's going to be alright no matter what they say, It is going to be a good day just wait and see.

I finally feel better, thanks to all the meds I was on for like a week straight. Anyways, my life is pretty much boring but yet I feel like I should write. I spent the afternoon babysitting Madyson yesterday. Which means I have new pictures! She is so freaken cute! There is no doubt that she is very much my cousins hija for she at 3 months is just like ever other female in this family, Mady loves gossip and being the center of attention. It is so cute and funny how mad she gets when you don't talk to her.

I am going to have to tape her next time so you can see what I am talking about. Until then here is a picture of Mady from Easter.



Yesterday was a very good day. Like I said, I spent the afternoon with Mady
and then we went to visit Mio who had her baby two days ago. Baby Mia is so cute. She is so tiny.



After that Nataly and I took her sister Nini to Village Inn where we talked about everything but mostly our grandparents and boys...lol. Weird combo I know.

After dropping Nini off because her mother was going to kill us if we did not get her home. We went to my house and Nat and I spent some time just talking. It was good to just spend time like that with Nat. You can tell we spend a lot of time together because we were finishing each other sentences or I would know what she was going to say before she said it. Nat kept telling to get out of her head.

During our conversations Nat and I could not help but notice all the good things that have happened to us in the last year. Yes there have been really hard, sad days but in between those bad days there were a lot of good days. Good days like the days when a new addition is born, the day we found out that Tia's cancer was still in remission, and the days we were able to spend with our family who was here visiting from Ny. Those were great days.

We realize during our conversation how truly blessed we are. We have a one of a kind family and all of that is due to my grandparents. Remaining united as a family was the one thing that was important to them. Well that and their faith. Don't get me wrong my family is huge and loud and crazy. They will drive you crazy and there are days where you swear that you are going to commit murder but then you remember how close we all are, the laughs, the crazy good food, the amazing parties, the amazing stories and most of all the love (they don't always show it but it is always there), and then it dawns on you that there is no where else you rather be.

Me tienes tan debilitada

This cold is trying to kill me. I have been sick for the last week and instead of getting better I keep getting worse. I have kept myself away from everyone because I don't want to get them sick. Which makes me sad because we have family visiting from Ny and I want to spend time with them yet I can't because I am sick.

I was able to hang out with them for a few minutes on Friday for a little while, while we prayed the rosary. It was the first rosary I prayed since my grandmother passed away. It is something that I have wanted to do for a long time, but was unable to.

When everyone returned from D.R. from my grandmothers funeral, my aunt brought me back one of my grandmothers rosary. It was the one I had bought her about two years ago. She told me that mama loved it and used it all the time in Ny. That she would show it off to everyone. That made me happy.

So on Friday when we were praying the rosary, I used mama rosary. The one I gave her. At first it was hard I could not breath much less speak. I did not realize how hard this was going to be. I had to fight back the tears as we prayed. As we went on it got a little easier. After we were done I went back up to my room away from everyone so that I would not infect them.

And so that has been my weekend. I have spent it watching movies and catching up on my shows, drinking a lot of water and medicine, sleeping and doing a whole lot of nothing.

During my weekend of doing nothing I found this video and it made my weekend. I hope you guys enjoy it as much as I did.

They Say New Life Makes Losing Life Easier To Understand

I know it has been a while. Things have gotten a little crazy around here.

This is a happy post believe it or not.

6 months after my grandfather passed away my cousin Karina gave birth to a beautiful, healthy little girl. Baby Madyson is the cutest! Oh goodness do I love her. I can't being to tell you how much joy and happiness that little girl has brought to our family.

15 days after my grandmother passed away my cousin Neri gave birth to twins. A beautiful and healthy girl and boy. Arianna and Daniel are also super cute like Maddi. Ari and Danny have also brought us a whole lot of joy and happiness.

We have been having a crazy baby boom in this family. Not only do we have Maddi, Ari, and Danny but we will be joined by TWO new additions soon. In some ways I cant help but feel like my grandparents had something to do with it.

In a way it is bittersweet. I can't help but wish they were still here so they could meet all of the new additions, yet at the same time I understand that they had to go.

Of course I have pictures.



Madyson



Arianna on the left Daniel on the right.

I have a feeling that my grandparents are smiling down with pride at these new additions.

Tanta Lagrima, Tanta Lagrima, y Yo Soy Un Vaso Vacio

It has been two whole weeks now.

Two weeks.

Mama is gone.

Really gone.

Some days are better then others. I take them as they come a day at a time.

I can't believe that I lost two grandparents in six months.

I can't wrap my brain around that concept yet.

Something that not too many people know about me is that I use music to cope. Actually I need music. It is like breathing to me. So when Mama was sick, I use to sit with my iPod and just listen to music for hours. It was the only way that I could understand everything that was going on.

I could tell when things were bad by whether or not I was clinging to my iPod. If I had it on at all times it meant things were bad. If I just needed it for a few minutes I know that things would be ok.

When Mama became really sick I use to listen to the song Roses by Kanye West off his Late Registration cd all the time. The lyric really apply to my family and everything that we were going through at that time.




I know it's past visiting hours
But can I please give her these flowers?
The doctor don't wanna take procedures
He claimed her heart can't take the anesthesia
It'll send her body into a seizure
The little thing by the hospital bed, it'll stop beeping,
Hey chick, I'm at a loss for words
What do you say at this time?
Remember when I was nine?
Tell her everything gone be fine?
But I'd be lying, the family crying
They want her to live, and she trying

I'm arguing like what kind of doctor can we fly in
You know the best medicine go to people thats paid,
If Magic Johnson got a cure for AIDS
And all the broke muthafuckers past away
You telling me if my grandma's in the N.B.A.
Right now she'd be ok?
But since she was just a secretary
Working for the church
For thirty five years
Things sposed to stop right here
My grandfather tryin to pull it together, he strong,
Thats where I get my confidence from
I asked the nurse "did you do the research?"
She ask me, "can you sign some t-shirts?"
Bitch Is you smokin reefer?
You dont see that we hurt
But still...

(Chorus)

...I smile
The roses come to see me
And I can't wait for a sunny day
(Im seeing it through your eyes)
Can't wait for the clouds to break

(Verse 2)

Outside of the emergency room, room
You can feel my heart beat, beat, beat
If she gone pull through
we going find out soon
but right now she asleep, sleep, sleep
My mama say, they say she could pass away any day
Hey chick what these doctors know anyway?
Let me see the X-rays
I ain't no expert, I'm just hurt
Cousin Kim took off for work
Plus my Aunt Shirley, Aunt Beverly, Aunt Klaye and Aunt Jean
So many Aunties, we could have an Auntie team
Feel like Amerie "Its this one thing"
When they said that she made it
You see the eyes gleam
I think we at an all time high
To get there we run, we fly, we drive
Cuz with my family we know where home is
So instead of sendin flowers
We the roses...

(Chorus)

I smile
The roses come to see me
And I can't wait for a sunny day
(Im seeing it through your eyes)
Can't wait for the clouds to break

Who brings the sunshine?

Ohhhhh I smile
The roses come to see me
And I can't wait for a sunny day
(Im seeing it through your eyes)
Can't wait for the clouds to break





Papa came to me in a dream a few months before Mama passed away. When I woke up I knew that Mama was going to leave us soon. I knew Papa had come back for her. I told my mom who called my aunt when she thought I was not home and told her about my dream. I remember her telling my aunt that mama was saying goodbye to everyone. That she had visited a few of my cousins before me. Some where deep down I knew what my mother was saying was true, yet I refuse to accept it. We had been here so many times before. Mama was always dying and just like that one from one day to the other she would pull through. Back then I thought what makes this time different from all the others?

I remember the last conversation I had with her. I asked her how she was and she said "alive". When I told her that was a good thing, she told me in true mama fashion " I guess". When I said " Mama don't say that" she laughed. I miss that laugh.

I miss her.

I miss papa.

I was driving to work when Nataly called to tell me mama had passed. The first thing I did was call my dad. I asked him over and over again "Is it true? Papi is it true?"
He did not know. I was the first person to call him with the news. I remember racing back home and looking for a flight so my mom could go and be there in time to bury her mother.

The next few days are a blur. I was unable to cry for a really long time. I cried a little bit when I was on the phone with Gabe, but I was unable to really cry. I was trying to hold it together for my mother. My poor mami she lost both her parents in a six month time period. My mami is a strong women. While she was here she did not cry, she just said that she was glad that both mama and papa where together and no longer suffering. I agree with her, but it is still hard.I was finally able to cry while I was on the phone with Caro.


I am cling to my iPod again. I listen to the same songs over and over. I like to think that they are helping me with the healing process.

I did not get a chance to say goodbye to Mama like I did with Papa. I could not go to D.R. to bury her. I wish I could have more then anything.

So as a way of saying goodbye to mama, I leave you with a song.

Say Goodbye Not Knowing How

It lays at the bottom of a jewelry box. On top of the green handwriting that says Aug'06 Love, Caro. It's long, black and open from many years of use.

It's a bobby pin.

Mama's bobby pin.

It's the greatest gift anyone has ever given me.

Caro gave it to me this summer. She brought it back with her from D.R.

When she handed me a ball of newspaper and said with a smile on her face "open it" I knew that this was something I was going to love.

After ripping apart the newspaper a smile spread across my face at the sight of the bold and beautiful colors of the jewelry box.

"I bought it in Santiago." She told me. I loved it and wanted to thank her when she stopped me and said "open it." "There is more?" I said.

Caro just smiled at me and said laughing "It's not a lot but it is what I could steal."

I opened the jewelry box's careful not sure of what I was going to find, and there it was a long, black, worn out bobby pin the minute I saw it I knew what it was.

"It's mama's" Caro said. All I could do was nod as I fought back the tears. Some how I whispered out a thank you.

I know to many people a bobby pin is just a bobby pin, but to me it is so much more. Mama always wore her hair up in a bun. One night after Papa passed away Caro was helping her take her hair down, that was when she stole the bobby pin that would later find it's way into the beautiful jewelry box that Caro gave me.

I wish I could tell you how much I love that bobby pin. It is something that I treasure so much.

The jewelry box sits on top of my dresser and to this day it holds only one thing Mama's bobby pin.

For the first few months after papa passed away, I spent hours in my room holding that bobby pin hoping that by holding it, some of Mama strength would rub off on me.
Seven months later, I find myself back in my room holding that bobby pin. The realization that it along with my memories and a few pictures are all that I have left of Mama.

As the tears fall from my eyes, I hold on tight to that bobby pin it is my way of saying goodbye and yet at the same time I know that it is my way of keeping Mama's memory alive. Although she will live forever in my memories and most of all my heart, I can't help but feel that by holding on to this bobby pin, by being able to show it to other people it proves that Mama existed. That she lived a wonderful and full life, that she had a family who adored and most of all loved her. That she has a family who will keep her memory alive.

Even thought I know Mama is in a better place, that her suffering has ended and she is now in heaven with Papa, I find it hard to let go. Seven months later and I find myself in the same situation that I was in seven months ago. Sitting in my room holding on to Mama's bobby pin with tears in my eyes hoping that by holding on to it some of mama strength will rub off on me.