It's 1:41 in the morning here in Denver and I have not been able to stop crying for the last 15 min. In the last 24 hours i have been dissed not once but twice by people that i truly care about and i think somewhere along the day today a little piece of my heart broke. Why didn't anyone tell me that when you finally see where you stand in other peoples lives it was going to hurt this bad?
The first time i don't even want to talk about but that one stung the most. The second time pissed me off so much.
I am being replaced in my own house. My friend Jessica has come to live with us for a little while and already my family prefers her over me and the sad thing is I am not even made at her for it because i prefer her over me as well. She has the life that i have always wanted. At 24 she has graduated from college with a degree in medicen, she has loving and supportive partents, she loves her career, she has a large group of friends who love her and the love and addoration of a man who would do anything for her.
While I have no college degree have no idea what i want my career to be, have a mother who instead of supporting and encouraging me is constanly telling me that i can't do, so dont even try it. A wonderful father who loved me to death but has been so busy all of my life taking care of everyone else to even notice that i need him the most. Grandparent who can;t remember my name much less who i am. A family who pitys me. Friends who only call me when they are bored or have no one else to hang out with and guys well they just ignore me.
I am not a person who craves attention infact i have learned to live me life with the need for very little attention. I know that if i were to die today only six people would care and the i am no longer here. I don't see a reason for me to be here. I feel like i am only taking up space. I have not changed anyones live nor do i mean anything to anyone so why am i here. My life has no meaning.
I am just the lonely fat girl who is standing by the wall crying waiting for someone to notice her.
Jual TDS Meter ( Total Dissolved Solids )
9 years ago
5 comments:
oh, girl...that just killed me...
i'd have half a mind to call you...
in fact, i will....though i'm sure you wont pick up.
......
i left you a voicemail message.
please call me at any time, moment, thought, hate, anger, frustration, tear...even if it's directed towards me.
know that i love you,
you are my best friend,
you have changed my life without even knowing it,
you are beautiful,
i need you,
i cried when i read this,
i care.
please, call me once you read this, if you havent by the time you do....even if you have
Oh, Karla. I have often felt the same way that you do. In my own family, there are people who I think don't want me around. I look and I see people who have more direction than I do. Who have better lives than I do. And, just when I get really down, I realize something- I don't really care.
Sometimes you just have to get a blase attitude about things. If people are ignorning you, forget 'em. If people are not really your friends, forget 'em. And as far as guys, please, you should really forget them.
You can try to talk out how you feel with certain people. Most definitly. But, once you do, you just have to let it go. It's not worth your time to let these people hurt you. But, it is worth your time to work on you.
You've already started that journey, and I encourage you to keep going. Do more. So what if you don't have a degree and you don't know what to do? I have a degree and I STILL don't know what I want to do. And, guess what? I have a degree and there are people in my family who are not at all impressed. You can't win for losing with these people. So, why try.
Do more stuff for yourself. Take a couple of classes that you're actually interested in at any college (4 year or 2 year). One of the best psych classes I took was at the local community college. Volunteer somewhere and get to know new people. And, keep writing. I find it's therapeutic (I hope I spelled that right ;).
Anyways, sorry for the long post, but I hate to see people sad. You are obviously not alone. Look at all the people who come here just to read what you're thinking. We want to know you. So keep up the good work on yourself and always remember to just brush the haters off your shoulders.
Caro- I heart Caro!
Monica- Thank You so much for your kind words, and you are right we never know what is going on in an other persons life.
Laura- Yes i am a teacher's aid. yeah i guess you are right about that as well.
Reese-hehe i like long comments. So feel free to write all you want. Thank you for your encouranging words. I usually don't care what other people say about me but on that night it was just one to many emotions alll at one time for me to handle but i will remember what you said.
Hola Karla,
I'm sorry that I havent left any comments. I've been really sick. Still am. I don't really want to repeat what the others have said on here, but its also how I feel. You are a courageous person for posting your true feelings. I don't know you, I'm just your internet cousin - but you are so sweet, so welcoming all the time. Youre always posting to encourage, and to be a cheerleader. I just think you are super cool. So hopefully by now you are cheered up. Smile!!!
Or I might build you a cake or something...
Karla,
Girl you are noticed! You got the sucias! Sometimes we all feel invisible but trust me.. people do care! Just be yourself and you'll shine! As for your visitor, i'm sure her life SEEMS great but she has her own demons to deal with too.
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